found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize