I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
