Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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