the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
