I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
