I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Small penises have feelings too.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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