his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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