Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
