so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize