I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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