I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
