Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just gargled with NyQuil
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
