I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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