At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Liz is crying about burritos again.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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