hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
