And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
She's JV to your varsity
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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