I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
