Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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