the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
