There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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