Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
