he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
