I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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