I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
