There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
