I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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