you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
