Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
i think im in europe. pls send help
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
