There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
