i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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