Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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