I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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