i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
