I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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