what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
