I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
You have to summon your inner elephant
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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