Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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