She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
