3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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