Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Congratulations! We have a period
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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