I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
