When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
