The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize