well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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