I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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