don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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