this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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