I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I met the friendliest cop last night
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
