Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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