hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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