I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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