he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
