Taylor Swift is so right about you.
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
