I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
