Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize