on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
