A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
