I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
MIDGETS
????
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
