Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
