Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
