There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
