Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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