The maid of honor just puked.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
